AS A NEWLY SINGLE 33 YEAR OLD I DON’T THINK I COULD EXPRESS TO YOU ENOUGH HOW UNBELIEVABLY FUCKED UP I FIND THE DATING WORLD RIGHT NOW. I AM TALKING DATING, TEXTING, CASUAL SEX, THE SWIPING OF TINDER AND THE LONG UNSPOKEN WORDS IN THE STREET WHEN YOU PASS AN UNBELIEVABLY SEXY GIRL/GUY. WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO NOW? SOMEBODY THROW ME THE RULE BOOK - I’M LOST!
So what is my story, what led me to this confused and slightly cynical place I am in right now? I have been in a fairly open relationship for god knows how long…that makes things easier you might say, but even that was confusing. Like, do you date someone when your partner is not around and do you tell your partner? Do you both go out separately come back and share your stories of hot passion? Do you go and have a fling and before you crash at their house quickly send a WhatsApp to your partner telling them you won’t be home tonight? What if they get jealous? What if I keep it a secret, do I just convince myself it’s ok because “technically” it has nothing to do with them? Confusing isn't it?
So after 5 years in a super intense “swinging” relationship, I have quite clearly put my single cap on, gone out there, changed my look and delved into the ocean again. Hey, maybe I just want a different challenge, to just date a simple Eric? Ha! Even just typing that turns me off. Ok Ok so where does a single 33 year old woman begin?
It’s 2018, why not do what everybody else is doing, join the wonderful world or online dating? What could possibly go wrong in this world of catfish and keyboard warriors? I am a very traditional girl and I really don’t believe in logging onto a site and looking for a man, a date or a casual fuck. If I want to meet someone decent, someone who has the potential to settle down with, surely it would be easier meeting through friends, at a bar, in the street, at a coffee shop ugh its madness! I do not want to tell my future kids I met my hubby on Tinder. Call me an online dating snob I just couldn’t bear that.
I have been hosting erotic parties for a verrrrrrry long time and I do not intend to slow down. With age comes maturity, with maturity comes change and with all the changes that I’ve made recently, the one thing I do struggle to adapt to is this dating phenomenon. Does it drive you as bonkers as it does me?
I am inundated with “CHOICE” and you’d think this makes it easy, but I find it incredibly hard. Ask any girl, we don’t want an easy challenge, I want the chase dammit! I want the butterflies in my tummy and hazy look of love desire on my face. And guys…when did the “3-date rule” disappear? (do you even remember that)? For all us singles, sex is literally on tap!!
Lets specify shall we? We have dating apps for flings and casual sex, educated singles, millionaires, sugar daddies, extra marital affairs, sugar mummies, threesomes, travelling partners, true compatibility matching, for finding love, over 50 singles and the list goes on and on and on. We are all in this crazy online bubble and nobody can seem to find his or her way out in to a true and meaningful relationship.
Imagine now, starting a conversation to a stranger in the street or the tube. Even if someone approaches me I may be inclined to think they're crazy, but thats how society reacts these days. I am not one to conform, far from it, but we all are guilty of moving two steps away from that stranger telling you you look kinda cute or asking if you'd like to grab a coffee sometime. We are a conditioned nation, disjointed by technology with our eyes permanently fixed to our phones!
I don’t know what I have been doing with my time these last few years to have missed this revolution, or have I just not noticed because the dating scene is fucking nuts!! I can’t even keep up with how many dating apps there are and you have an app for everything! Take me back to the time when a quick phone call before bed turned in to two hours later “no you hang up, no you hang up”. When a guy would just buy you flowers for no reason but to see the smile on your face would make him blush. Awww! Instead guys slide in to the DM’s with requests for “Netflix and Chill” or just simply send a 1am dick pic…and guys NEVER is it a good moment to send a girl your dick pic, unless they have asked for it please put the mouse back in the hole, nobody cares!
In this ridiculously sexualised world you guys have it so easy! A lot of women out there are insanely HOT and you have so many to pick from, whether swiping through your Tinder or ogling at all those Instagram models. I honestly believe people spend seventy five percent of their time masturbating or taking half naked selfies and posting them to the world. No wonder we are completely in awe of what we are easily accessible to: the Internet.
Surely everybody still dreams of meeting that special someone in that perfect movie moment. In years to come when your child or friends ask how mummy and daddy met, 50 percent of the population will say I was bored on the tube one day and swiped right, I seriously don’t get it. Don't you just want to share a nice story of how you both met in Starbucks, you mistakenly picked up his coffee…or fell over in the street and he picked you up and it was instant connection when your eyes met. Ok, I know this is cliched and rare, but you see what I am getting at?
Maybe I was born in the wrong era, does chivalry and romance still exist? Are we all looking for that perfect person, does “the one” exist?…not much to ask is it? I guess I’ve just squeezed myself in on the path with all of you and on that note, I realise this: in the words of Shakespeare “If music were the food of love” …well I’m on a crash diet.